i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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