Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
