he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.