How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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