I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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