When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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