Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
