Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
