My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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