It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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