I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.