I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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