we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
