I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
