"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
