I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
