Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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