You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
