The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
