I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
