is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
