I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A+ Viking dick
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
