my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
