i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im six kinds of drunk right now
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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