just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
