I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
