I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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