Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
