A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
