can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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