Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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