Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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