Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
