4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
