Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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