you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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