i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
