Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
