So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
