all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
