Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
