i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
