I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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