The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
