someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
