The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
