I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
