The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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