he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I said "one day" and that day is not today
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
