I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so let's talk penis.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
