Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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