On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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