i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
