"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
