I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
