Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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