Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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